I believe that everything happens for a reason. Incident and accidents are lessons to be learnt as such I try as much of possible pay attention in 'class'.
I do look forward going to Islamic courses and conferences as I get quite a bit of gem from it but there's a downside to it. I don't know about others but whenever I listened to the lectures by the respected scholars and I looked at the people around me, I always feel like a hypocrite. Let's face it, I'm no saint, in fact far from it! I know that I am no where near the ideal Muslim described by the scholars. Every day is a constant struggle for me to stay on path. Don't get me wrong, I do feel inspired by the lectures to be better and to do more but I also feel at times that it's such an impossible feat to be that ideal Muslim described by the scholars. I always come out of the lecture theatres feeling that I'm doomed to hell. Sigh!
Have you ever felt that you don't belong anywhere? Well, I did. I no longer belong to my past life but I've yet to be become the person whom I would like to be. I felt lost sometimes because I felt like I was in-between lives. Neither here nor there. I couldn't find the correct group of people to try to fit it. In a way, I felt like I'm was a traveller in a huge airport, who has not reached her destination, hence, always in transit and amongst strangers.
Then, one day, God sent me to a group of people who are not scholars but their life mission is to spread His Words and the teachings of Prophet Muhammad pbuh. They don't preach but instead they encourage others to do good.
"The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) was reportedly asked: “Which of our companions are best?” He replied: “One whose appearance reminds you of God, and whose speech increases you in knowledge, and whose actions remind you of the hereafter.”
It was then that I finally understood.
The purpose of me being at the lectures and conferences is not to feel like a failure but to increase my knowledge in Islam. Thenafter, Allah sent me ordinary people as teachers, to teach me how to put the knowledge that I acquired, to good use. I understand now that I may never be a Hafiz or an ustadha or even a scholar in Islam but that's okay. I don't know who or what I will be in the future but I do know that God will not forsake me for as long as my intentions are sincere. I also understand now that I belong where my heart is and inshaAllah, my heart is with Him.
Every one has his/her own journey to take and each journey is unique in its own way. One thing that I realised is that, even after all these years, I'm still trying to be a Muslim and that's, not a bad thing....
Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
Allah the Exalted says: I am as my servant expects me and I am with him as he remembers me. If he remembers me in himself, then I will remember him in myself. If he mentions me in a gathering, then I will mention him in a greater gathering. When he draws near to me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit. When he draws near me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom. When he comes to me walking, I will come to him running.