Dealing with Post-Natal Depression..

In Malaysia, I noticed, that this topic is not much talked about or discussed but the danger is all too real. I'm talking about 'post-natal' depression. Despite some people thinking that it's 'all in the head' of the new-mother, I can you that it's not true. It's a real medical condition that requires help.

I was diagnosed with post-natal depression after giving birth to my 5th child. Who would thought, that a woman my age, who had delivered 4 babies before, would suffer from depression. Well, let me tell you something....it can happen to any mother regardless if you are a new mom or you had just given birth to your 12th child!

In my case, the depression hit me right after 5 weeks of giving birth. At first, I thought it was just my hormones that went haywire since I'm already in my 40s but it was not like any normal depression. In the past, whenever I felt blue, I would just shake it off and it seemed to work but not this time. It followed me like a plague. No matter what I did, I couldn't seem to get out of it. I felt that the Angel of Death was stalking me, waiting for the right time to yank my soul from my body. I had this unexplainable and unreasonable fear of the unknown and about everything. I felt that I was falling into a 100 feet black pit and was powerless to stop it. To make it worse, I couldn't produce enough milk for my baby and she was not getting enough. I felt like a failure.....

Getting up every morning was a task in itself. I had to literally dragged myself out of bed. I dreaded waking up because the only time I was not depress was when I was asleep! I couldn't motivate myself to look forward for a new day. Everything seemed doomed and gloom. It was like living in Gotham city, only 100 times worse! 

I didn't want to see anyone other than my own family and if it was possible, I would have holed up in a cave somewhere, away from the whole world. I worried over the slightest thing, like will my two fat cats be kidnapped if they slept in the front porch.  I get panic attacks on a daily basis. My anxiety was in overdrive. I lost all control...

When I began to start resenting my newborn daughter, that was when I knew something was not quite right and that I had to seek help. You see, I didn't want to talk to anyone because I didn't want to seem as a failure. I can't fail! I would be ashamed to fail. Failing is ridiculous because I already have children. This whole giving birth thing was supposed to be a walk in the park for me, at least, that's what everyone kept telling me...but they were wrong and I was wrong...

I finally spoke to my gynae and she diagnosed me with 'post-natal' depression. I was, honestly, taken aback. Not willing to accept it, I spoke to another friend who is also a gynea and she confirmed the diagnosis. I had all the symptoms and more. In a funny way, I was relieved because it went to prove that I was not going cuckoo nor was I punished for the sins that I committed. What I had was a real medical condition. 

The next question was, how do I deal with it? I asked my doctor if she could prescribed me 'happy pills' to which she said 'no' and advised me to see a shrink. Oh well, it was worth a try. I wasn't receptive to seeing a shrink because, call me twisted, but I just didn't want the shrink to confirm that I was actually mental!But that's just me. For other mothers, seeing a pyschiatrist might be a tremendous help. 

Support from your spouse is utmost important. In my case, my hubby became my shrink. He patiently sat down and listened to every worries and fears that I had and tried to reason it out. He didn't dismiss my condition as petty and didn't treat me like a nut-case.  That to me, was the biggest help. I also enlisted the aid of the 'Wise Owl' who convinced me that I wasn't possessed by demon nor was I losing my faith.

I came to realize that post-natal depression is not a disease that can be cured overnight or by a magic pill. Prozac or any other anti-depressant is only a temporary relief. What I did was, I managed the symptoms as it emerged. To me, having post-natal depression was like having a cold. There's no cure for common cold. You just have to let it run its course and manage its symptoms. That worked for me but for others, you need to find out what works for you, but it is important that you MUST seek help. Do not suffer in silence.

I started getting myself into my usual routine slowly. When things got a little bit overwhelming especially with the baby, I wasn't ashamed to ask for help. Don't feel guilty if for some reasons you can't breastfeed your baby or if you needed to supplement his or her feed with baby formula. Don't feel guilty or bad if you think you need some 'me' time because trust me, you do. Get someone else to take care of the baby while you take a breather. Let me repeat this; you have not failed as a mother. It is just the way things are. Accept it and move on.

Talking about it also helps. Talk to your spouse or mom or friends or anyone who is willing to listen. Never sweep it under the carpet because it will not go away on its own. In fact, it could get worse if you choose to ignore it. 

My advise to all mothers out there. Don't be ashamed if you if you are experiencing post-natal depression. You are not a leper that everyone has to stay away from. You are not crazy either. You are very normal. You just need a little bit more support and love from the people around you. Stay away from negative people. In time, the bogeyman will go away, InSha Allah.

As for me, I'm not quite whole yet. I still have traces of it but I am in a far better place than I was a few months ago. When I think about it, having post-natal depression is actually a blessing. It opened my eyes to many things that I chose to ignore in the past. It made me be more appreciative of my surroundings and most important of all, I received extra love and attention from my loved ones....

"Verily after hardship comes ease."

Quran 94:5

Don't Afraid to be Alone..

"It is better to sit alone than in company with the bad; and it is better still to sit with the good than alone. It is better to speak to a seeker of knowledge than to remain silent; but silence is better than idle words."
(Bukhari)

Don't afraid to be alone because you will be on your own when the Angel of death claims your soul,

Don't be afraid to be alone because you will be alone in the grave,

Don't afraid to be alone because you will be on your own when you are resurrected on the day of Judgment,

Don't afraid to be alone because you will be alone when you answer for your deeds and actions,

Don't afraid to be alone because you will be on your own when you face your Creator,

Don't afraid to be alone because you will be alone when you plead for His mercy,

Don't afraid to be alone because we are never alone.....God is always with us......

Because it's Friday.....

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” ― Mark Twain

"Hello" he greeted us.

My friend M and I were pulling 2 empty baskets behind us when this angelic face young guy, greeted us at the entrance of a supermarket. We wanted to get some groceries for a family in need.

"Biar saya tolong aunty" he said. (Let me help you, aunty).

My friend M jokingly replied, "Hey, jangan panggil kami aunty, masih muda wooo! " (Don't call us aunty, we are still young).

 He grinned at us cheekily and said, "Ok kakak. You panggil saya abang!".

"Ayoo!" Both M and I retorted while squealing with laughter. 

"Kenapa nak tolong kami?" (Why do you want to help us?) Asked M.

We knew that this young man is a ‘special' young man. He has some physical disabilities but his character, to me, is completely flawless. I have seen him around a couple of times at this particular supermarket. Even the staff greets him affectionately but it was what he said next stunned me and my friend M.

"Hari nie hari Jumaat. Kalau tolong orang, dapat banyak pahala ooo". (Today is Friday. If you help people, you will get many rewards).

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
"The best day on which the sun has risen is Friday; on it Adam was created; on it he was made to enter Paradise; on it he was expelled from it; and the [last] hour (i.e. the Day of Resurrection) will take place on no day other than Friday." (Muslim)

M and I couldn't contained our smiles. It's true that when God wants to remind us of something or even teach us a thing or two, He would send His special teachers to us. The best thing is, our 'teacher' is not even Muslim, yet. Teachers can be anyone, anywhere. It can also be a two or a four legged creature. Remember the story of a raven which taught Qabil (Cain) to dig a hole?

"Then Allah sent a raven, who scratched the ground, to show him how to hide the shame of his brother. "Woe is me!" said he; "Was I not even able to be as this raven, and to hide the shame of my brother?" then he became full of regrets"

Surah Al-Maidah 5:31

Eagerly, he followed us around the shop and helped us put the goods on the cashier's counter. Our angel even loaded our purchases into the trolley and pushed it to our car. It seemed that not only God had send us a teacher, He had also send us a 'helper' to help us carry out our intended deed.

As he was pushing the trolley, I asked him if I could take of photo of him. He asked me why. I told him that it was because it's Friday and that he had just gotten his 'banyak pahala' (many rewards)......

Blessed sleep...

"Verily, Allah does not look to your faces, to your lineage nor to your wealth, but He looks to your hearts and your deeds.” (Muslim, 2564)

Before you close your eyes and go to sleep...

Clear your heart of any grudges...
Forget all the pain...
Bury your sorrow...
Forgive everyone...
Count your blessings...
Beg for forgiveness...
Let go of the past....
Pray for a better tomorrow....

Garden of Hope...

“Working in garden is like digging knowledge from the earth.”
― Karthikeyan V

This is the story about 3 friends. One has a green thumb, the other is afraid of worms and the third one is terrified of bugs. Still, they had a vision.  They hope to plant vegetables and fruits, for charity.

So, together they started their garden from scratch.

They started by planting seeds in small pots for it to grow. Next, they worked on getting the plot of land ready for re-planting. Every time friend no.2 loosens the soil and finds a worm, she would scream. Every time friend no.3 sees a bug, she would run. Being a seasoned gardener, only friend no.1 would calmly dig and loosened the soils without any drama.

In the end, they managed to prepare the plot and planted the new shoots. Phase 1 completed! They are also recruiting more friends.

It is their ardent hope that one day soon, their garden will be turned into a garden of bliss.....Ameen.

Anas reported that the Prophet said, "If a Muslim plants a tree or sows seeds, and then a bird, or a person or an animal eats from it, it is regarded as a charitable gift (sadaqah) for him." (Bukhari)

Before I close my eyes...

“Everybody will die, but very few people want to be reminded of that fact.” ― Lemony Snicket

The Wise Old Man once told me that people with terminal illness, are the lucky ones. They are chosen by God, to be informed of roughly their date of demise. God has given them that privilege so that they can get their affairs in order before the angel of death claims their souls.

The Wise Old Man also said that not many will regard the advance notice as a blessing, rather many would take it as a curse.

In a way, I can see the point that the Wise Old Man was making. I mean, we know that we will all die some day. It's inevitable. The only difference between us is the time of death and how we die.

Every soul will taste death, and you will only be given your [full] compensation on the Day of Resurrection. So he who is drawn away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise has attained [his desire]. And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion.
Surah Al Imran 3:185

The other day, I ran into an acquaintance at the supermarket whilst rushing to get something for my husband. A year ago, a friend told me that this acquaintance, sister Z has been diagnosed with cancer and that she was undergoing treatment. At that time, I wanted to visit sister Z but I didn't want to intrude on her private time. Furthermore, we were not really friends hence I didn't know if my visit would be welcomed.

Anyway, I ran into sister Z as I was entering the main entrance of the supermarket. We exchanged greetings and I asked her how she was doing. She was very cheerful and she told me something that impressed me. Sister Z said that she has accepted the gift that God has given her and she is grateful. She is thankful for each additional day that she gets as it is a blessing from Him.

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Remember frequently the thing that cuts off pleasures,” i.e. death.” [at-Tirmidhi]

MasyaAllah...now this is a person who has truly accepted her fate and is completely happy with it. Not only that, she regards her sickness as a gift. Not once did she express regret or anger. In fact, I've never seen anyone more at peace than her.

You know, I can't help wondering that if I am in sister Z's shoes, how will I react. Would I be able to trust God's plan? Can I accept it in good faith? Or would I rather die a sudden death? One thing for sure, is that I know I have a long list of unfinished business and I hope that I am given the time to put my affairs in order before I permanently close my eyes.

Before parting ways, I hugged sister Z and wished her well. I pray that God grants her the best of this world and hereafter. Like the Wise Old Man said, sister Z is indeed one of the chosen few...ameen....

Sisterhood of the Masjid....

“A fast is not necessarily something we offer God, but it assists us in offering ourselves” ― Jen Hatmaker

            Every Ramadhan, I learn something new. Last year, I learnt about sisterhood and simple blessings. I survived yet another ‘buka puasa’ at the mosque behind my house and enjoyed every minute of it. It warmed my heart to learn that even though I am just an occasional visitor to the mosque, the ‘regulars’ still greeted me like I was one of them.

         There was one incident, where a tiny ‘tiff’ broke out in the women’s section. That night, my girls and I were sitting quietly in the second saf (row), waiting for isya prayers. The women section was filling up fast as it was almost time for prayers. A lady (not a regular either) came from behind and told my 8 year old daughter to leave her spot and pray at the back of the room. My daughter called out to me and repeated what this lady said to her. I looked up and asked the lady calmly, “what is the problem?” This lady insisted that my daughter is too young to be praying in the same row as the adults and the word she used was “tak sah” (it’s not valid). You can imagine my irritation but I kept reminding myself that I was in a holy place hence I need to control my temper. I silently repeated my mantra ‘anger is a tool of satan’ then, I simply looked at this lady and told her flatly, “NO”. 

        I can see that she was taken aback by my answer. She kept telling me that it was wrong and not allowed so I asked her, “not allowed by whom?” She then made the mistake of saying “our religion said so”. Now, I am NOT an expert on Islam but if you want to use the religion against me or my family, you better be well prepared to be interrogated. Lesson #1, never quote religion unless you are absolutely sure of the verses or hadith to support your argument. Lesson #2, never mess with a heavily pregnant mother bear with her cubs. 

      So, I asked her to quote me the verses of the Quran or hadith which say that children are not allowed to pray in the same row as the adults. She couldn’t. By now, the regular ladies were already behind me. 

      I told this lady that as far as I know, children are allowed to pray in the same row as the adults. Furthermore, it is good training for my children and I can keep an eye on them. So, until she can come up with a more concrete excuse, I suggested that she leave us be and concentrate on her prayers. I heard a chorus of agreement behind me. As much as I wanted to smile out of happiness for the support that I received, I kept a stern face. Seeing she was out-numbered, the lady grudgingly retreated to the back of the room.

       “The Similitude Of The Believers In Their Compassion, Mercy, And Affection Toward Each      Other Is Like A Single Body. When One Organ Ails, The Whole Body Suffers And Reacts.”

    (Bukhari)

     “The Faithful Are Like A Single Body: If His Eye Suffers, Then His Constitution Will Suffer; And If  He Has A Headache, Then His Whole System Will Suffer.”

    (Muslim)

            Somehow, a bond of sisterhood of the masjid was forged that night. The sisterhood consisted of the veterans as well as the young. The ladies didn't know me that well but that didn't stop them from coming to my aid. Their unconditional acceptance of me, touched me to the core. I felt humbled.

         This year, however, my schedule is being dictated by a very bossy 7 months old toddler. Bringing her to the mosque is not an option as her cries can be heard from two blocks away. I think that even the strong bond of the mosque sisterhood can’t save me from the wrath of the other ladies if I were to bring my baby. Hence, this year, I sat quietly at home . 

            Feeling rather blue, I decided to speak to the Wise Owl about not being able to the join the terawih prayers at the mosque and my inability to do other ‘extra’ things during the holy month of Ramadhan. The Wise Owl told me, “Sister, don’t worry too much because God wants you to concentrate on other things this Ramadhan. He is the best Disposer of affairs”. The Wise Owl said that instead of getting all stressed out about not being able to do the ‘additional’ things, it is better for me to try to perfect the things that I have been doing all these while. The Wise Owl also added that taking care of my bears cubs is also a form of worship since I’m doing it for the sake of God and it is even more meaningful in the month of Ramadhan. 

    Narrated `Aisha رضى الله عنها: Allah’s Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم  said, “Do good deeds     properly, sincerely and moderately and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah’s is the most regular and constant even though it were little.” …

Sahih Bukhari

    Hurrmmm....the Wise Owl does have a point. This year, even though I miss the company of the sisterhood of the masjid, my heart is at peace. I learnt that it's not the quantity of the worship that counts but rather the quality. As mothers, we do what we can with the time that we have. Like the Wise Owl said, God is the best Disposer of affairs.  I no longer feel like a lesser Muslim. I still have the opportunity search for the night of power……InshaAllah..