Inside a Troubled Mind

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 
― Laurell K. Hamilton

I used to wonder what goes on in the mind of a depressed person. Why do they do the things that they do and why do they lack reasons or rationale? Are they really genuine or merely seeking for attention?

There's a saying, 'never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes'. Well.....that exactly what God made me do....walked  miles in their shoes.

When I suffered post-natal depression, all the irrational things that I used to question, were the exact things that I did. Looking back now, I understand the anxiety, fear and misery, that a depressed person feels.

Among the irrational feelings that I had was anxiety about having people i.e. guests over at my house, even if it was my own parents. I felt claustrophobic and suffocated amongst people. To me then, my house was my sanctuary and when people came, they intruded into my personal space. When my helper took out the cups and saucers, to serve tea, I would start to hyperventilate and panic about who was going to do the dishes later. It was too much for me think about. But yet, I remained quiet. I was afraid of being judged, even by own parents.

Simple tasks like folding the mountainous laundry in the basket would overwhelmed and freaked me out and made me pace inside my own room. I always felt a tremendous sorrow that I broke down into tears for no apparent reason. Loud noises especially coming from the tv would unsettled me and made me jumped up to to switch it off, regardless of who was watching. The speed of the fan must always be at no. 2 otherwise, I'd get agitated and start pacing the living room.

Don't even talk about appearance. Whilst I was obsessed about keeping things squeaky clean, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because all I saw was an ugly image of me, hence I looked like a very clean version of Medusa, hair un-combed.

My world, in those few months that I suffered, was very dark and gloomy. It felt like Grim Reaper was my constant companion and the Dementors (from the Harry Potter movie) had literally sucked out all traces of happiness and light, I had in my life. The funny thing is, despite feeling utterly useless, my imagination and creativeness was striving.

It took all of  my will power to not scream out my frustration and anger. I really did feel helpless and hopeless. I didn't know how long my condition would last and that really scared me. I was definitely NOT myself. I was a different person, a stranger. It was like having an out of body experience where you can see what's going on but somehow, unable to stop it.

I recovered from my depression with help and support from my husband and good friends and also lots of dua. I kept my depression from my parents because I didn't want them to worry. Having support, even a listening ear, made me feel less alone. Talking it out lessen my anxiety and made me slowly see reasons. Being assured by my husband that I was not crazy (or crazier than before), changed my agitated pacing into an exercise routine. Having the Wise Owl tell me that I was not possessed, kept my imaginary Grim Reaper and Dementors at bay. Being correctly diagnosed by my doctor made it easier for me to deal with the symptoms.

Most important thing of all, it was His Mercy, when I begged for help, what kept me sane.

‘O Allah, I am Your servant, son of Your servant, son of Your maidservant, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You name Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety.’
Hadith Muslim

God had briefly gave me a glimpse of the world of a troubled mind so I can be more compassionate. I was lucky that it was only temporary but there are many others out there that needs help. Some of their condition may be permanent.

"No doubt, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured."
Quran 13:28

Don't judge. If you can't personally help them, then help them find someone who can.

 “if anyone saves a life, it shall be as though he had saved the lives of all mankind.” Quran 5:32

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Expectations vs Faith

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ― Alexander Pope

Recently, I was badly let down by someone whom I considered as close to me. I felt disappointed and most of all -hurt. As hubby and I sat down to talk about my woes, hubby gave me a statement, "Babe, I think you had expectations and it was not met, hence that's why you're disappointed"

I stopped and thought very hard. Was it 'expectations' or was it 'faith'? What I mean by 'faith' is having the good impression or assumption or thought that the person will do the right thing i.e. husnozon.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the most false of speech. Do not seek out faults, do not spy on each other, do not contend with each other, do not envy each other, do not hate each other, and do not turn away from each other. Rather, be servants of Allah as brothers.”
Hadith Bukhari

Almighty Allah Says: "O You Who Have Believed, Avoid Much [Negative] Assumption. Indeed, Some Assumption Is Sin. 
Quran 49:12

So, by me trying to have good assumption that people will do the right thing in fulfilling a trust, is it considered as having expectations? If so, where do you draw the line? When do you put your guard up? How do you learn to trust?

Pretty tricky isn't?

Hubby always tells me that not everyone thinks like I do hence I shouldn't have expectations. I guess there's a very fine line between having faith and having expectations. It's not always easy to tell the difference. It's a balancing act between obeying commandments and controlling emotions. For an emotional person like me; who cries buckets watching cartoons; the scale will always tipped heavier towards the emotions.

Sigh! For now, I think I will just have to try to have good impressions and if the person turns out to be the complete opposite, then I need to tell myself that it's a lesson that I need to learn and move on.

It's like giving it your best then leaving it in His Hands....InsyaAllah.

Put your trust in Allah. Allah loves those that trust [in Him].
Quran 3:159

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The Secret of the Night

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, 
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Used to be, in the wee hours of the night, you'll  find me snoring away. Even during my student days, I was never the 'burn the midnight oil' kind of person. I need my sleep or I'll  turn into this really cranky bear.

When I learned  about night prayers i.e. tahajjud, the first thing that came to mind was, impossible!

"And from [part of] the night, pray with it as additional [worship] for you; it is expected that your Lord will resurrect you to a praised station."

Surah Al-Isra', 17:79

Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him, his family, and companions) said, “The best prayer after the obligatory prayers is the night prayer.” [Muslim]

Still....wanting to be better, I tried. More often than not, I failed. I just could't get up at 3 am. Then, I read that one of the companions of the Prophet pbuh had missed his night prayer and he had said that the reason he was prevented from waking up was because of his sins. Eerrkkk! I must have mountainous of sins if I'm not able to wake up at all. Seriously?  Am I that bad?

So, feeling rather upset, I spoke to the Wise Owl about my predicament. Surely I can't  be all bad and surely  there must be a way for me to wake up for tahajjud.

The Wise Owl said to me that everything  starts with intention. I must truly wanting to wake up for Him then only it can happen. Plus, I must sleep early so that I get enough rest. If I really  want to wake up so bad, then it will happen.

"Allah's Messenger said that Allah said: He who comes with a good deed, its reward will be ten like that or even more. And he who comes with vice, his reward will be only one like that, or I can forgive him. He who draws close to Me a hand's span, I will draw close to him an arm's length. And whoever draws near Me an arm's length, I will draw near him a fathom's length. And whoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running. And whoever faces Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, I will meet him with forgiveness nearly as great as that, provided he does not worship something with me. (This Hadith is sound and reported by Muslim, Ibn Majah and Ahmad in his Musnad). Another prophetic tradition says: (He who met Allah associating anything with Him, will enter Hell)"
(Hadith Muslim)

Night prayer is a special time between God and His creation. To some, it's like a lovers' tryst where everything else ceased to exist except you and Him.

"Abu Hurairah reports that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said: “Our Lord Descends to the lowest heaven during the last third of the night, inquiring: `Who will call on Me so that I may respond to him? Who is asking something of Me so I may give it to him? Who is asking for My forgiveness so I may forgive him?”
[ Bukhari and Muslim.]

Now, in this holy month of Ramadhan is the best time to pray tahajjud. If you have never tried, try at least once. I can tell you, it's an experience that you'll unlikely forget. If you can't  wake at 3 am then just wake up 30 minutes before fajr prayers. During Ramadhan it should be easier since you're  waking for sahur.

I still do have my lapse days where I sleep like the dead till morning but I would like to think that it was due to pure exhaustion rather than sins. Ok...maybe some days it was sins but keep trying I must.....

Life is a Journey

Life is a journey.

It's almost 1/3 into Ramadhan and I feel lost. I think that I've been too caught up in worldly affairs that I let my relationship with my Creator slipped. I also took many of the blessings given to me, for granted.

Are you feeling lost like I do? It helps to know that you're not alone in your struggles. It's a daily struggle for me. Is it too late to embrace Ramadhan? Nope! InshaAllah, we can catch up, in our own way.

The best way to start fixing the relationship with God, to me, is to pray.

We often forget that we recite a very special dua whenever we pray.

"In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
All the praises and thanks be to Allah, the Lord of the 'Alamin (mankind, jinns and all that exists). The Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
The Only Owner (and the Only Ruling Judge) of the Day of Recompense (i.e. the Day of Resurrection) . You (Alone) we worship, and You (Alone) we ask for help (for each and everything). Guide us to the Straight Way 
The Way of those on whom You have bestowed Your Grace, not (the way) of those who earned Your Anger, nor of those who went astray."

Ameen...

Surah Al Fatiha is the only Surah in the Quran, that I found, ends with 'Ameen'. It's a very powerful Surah.

Before we embark on any journey, we need to get the correct directions so that we arrive at the right destination.

Similarly in life, to be on the right path, we must seek Guidance from Him alone. So ask... "And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you." 
Quran 40:60

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