A Sick Heart and a Defective Tongue....

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” ― Edmund Burke

I know that I have been quiet these last two weeks. Reason being, I have been busy trying to proof-read the draft of my second book. Don’t get me wrong. I’m offering my explanation not because that I think anyone would miss the absence of my blog entry, but, in case my friends or relative are wondering if I have been abducted by aliens or whether I am in fact, still breathing…

Just the other day, I was actually given a back-hand insult by a friend. I know of the nasty streak that this, unfortunate friend posses but, that day, this friend made me the target. Let’s just call this person ‘fulan’.

At first, I was reeling from shock. Then, when I recovered, I felt angry then sad. Thank God the anger was short lived otherwise you would find a charred remains of fulan after I have breathed fire and scorched fulan to death! You know, me, the once fire breathing she-dragon!

Actually, in the past, I would have reacted and retaliated in kind. I would have blasted fulan off nastily but that day I didn’t. I kept quiet, turned around and walked away. It was that moment that I realised that I have changed. Maybe I am mellowing in my old age but I would like to think that I have finally conquered my inner demon.

Honestly, I can’t pretend that I was not hurt and truthfully, I’m still am but, I gathered all my strength to walk away. The insult that was hurled to me was uncalled for and to make it worst, what fulan had uttered was actually a malicious lie. In fact, it was ‘fitna’.

When I walked away, I was actually seething with anger but I knew that if I were to reply in an equally nasty way, I would be stooping to fulan's level. God had in fact shown me how a sick heart and a defective tongue, can do damage to another, so I better take heed to the lesson God is trying to teach me. Gosh! Was I ever like that?  If I was, then I do seek forgiveness from all those whom I had hurt. One thing for sure, I do not want to be like fulan. I want to be better….

After I had cooled down, I made a dua to God Al Mighty to protect me from the whispering of satan, to douse my anger and to remove the pain. The Wise Owl had once 'lectured' me about accepting God’s creation so I accepted that God had created fulan as such, nasty and all. Instead of praying for God to punish fulan, I simply prayed that God deals with fulan as He sees fit. Then, I forgave and moved on. I erased the whole incident out of mind, as nasty people do not deserve a space in my memory bank.

I also remembered something that the Wise Owl said a while ago. He said that, sometimes, the nastiness and rudeness in a person is actually a tell-tale sign of misery or profound sadness. It could mean that the person is really unhappy and miserable that they lash out on others. You know, like a wounded animal. Try getting near an injured cat. It will not welcoming you with purring and moewing but instead it will be hissing and barring its fangs at you.

These people feel that because they are miserable, they need to inflict the same pain on others. Their target is normally happy, chirpy people. We need to always be careful so that we do not become like them.

Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The faith of a servant is not upright until his heart is upright, and his heart is not upright until his tongue is upright. A man will not enter Paradise if his neighbor is not secure from his evil.”

Hadith  Ahmad 12636

The Wise Owl also said that we have two options when we are faced with these kinds of people. One, is to walk away from them and stay away. Two, is try to help them. You may be blistered with their nasty words many times before they eventually change but if you have the patient and a big heart, then you should try to do it.

One thing that we should never do, is, to curse them because it can back-fire. The curse might come back to us.

“Abu Ad-Darda reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, when a servant curses something, the curse rises to the heaven and the gates of heaven close upon it. It turns right and left and if it does not find somewhere to go, it will return to that which was cursed only if it deserved to be curse, otherwise the curse will return to the one who made it.”

 Sunan Abu Dawud 4905

Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The believer does not taunt others, he does not curse others, he does not use profanity, and he does not abuse others.”

 Sunan At-Tirmidhi 1977

The moral of story is, guard your tongue. Often, our tongue is one that lands us in trouble. Secondly, no one can hurt us unless we let them. Thirdly, forgive, forget and move on.

Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: He stood upon a platform and he grabbed his tongue and he said, “O tongue! Speak goodness and be rewarded, or remain silent and be safe before you are regretful.” Then he said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, say, “Most of the sins of the children of Adam are on their tongues.”

[At-Tabarani, Mu’jam Al-Kabeer, Number 10300, Sahih]

I’m sure you guys are wondering which of the two options, that was given by the Wise Owl, I took? Well…..the Wise Owl is almost a saint! His conduct and footsteps echoes the Prophet SAW’s. He will definitely take the 2nd option. Me? Are you kidding??? My footsteps still echoes Cruella DeVill ! BUT! I am still trying, so for now, I think it is safer for both me and fulan, if I were to keep my distance. Never know…I might suffer a relapse and turn back into a fire breathing she-dragon if sorely provoked…… muahahahah….

Jihad....a sister's dilemma........

“How you climb a mountain is more important than reaching the top.” ― Yvon Chouinard.

One weekend, hubby and I, decided to follow my dad back to the orchard, to help him harvest the fruits. We took the kids along, hoping that the kids will learn to enjoy ‘kampung’ life. The last time we went back was more than a year ago. The excuse was, we were just too busy.

Anyway, we arrived at the orchard just after midnight and from the moment we set foot in the house, the kids started their whining, “mommy, a mosquito bit me”, “mommy, I can’t go to the toilet cos there is a spider and it’s staring at me” “mommy, there’s lizard dropping everywhere, eeuuwww”.  Sheessh! And I thought I was bad! After all the drama had died down, they finally settled down to sleep.

The next day, hubby told the kids to change into their outdoor gear and help him pluck the fruits from the trees. I, too, decided to put aside my diva-ness; changed into my gear, put on my gardening shoes and ventured into the garden. I was completely covered from head to toe and with a huge sombrero like hat, plunked on my head. I looked like the cross-over between a Chinese immigrant and a Mexican senorita. My intention was to keep the sun and also the mosquito away. If I had my way, I would have wrapped my entire body and face with white cloth, to protect my skin but I was afraid that the villagers might shoot me down thinking there was a white rhino loose in the village…sigh!

I took a bag and began plucking the fruits from the trees. Hhhhmmm…. I thought to myself……… this is quite fun….Then, my dad came to me and commented that I used to love the outdoors. I stared at him and said “we are talking about the same daughter right? “ Me? Love outdoors? Since when? My dad replied “When you were small, you used to love the outdoors”.

OOooo…when I was small!.... No wonder I don’t remember. As far as I can remember, I have always been a creature of comfort. I think I probably pampered myself too much, when I was growing up, that I forgot what it’s like to go back to basic. I am accustomed to physical ease that I was reluctant to step out of my comfort zone.

I do remember visiting my grandparents in the village when I was small and I do remember being naughty but somehow, my memory eludes me when it comes being outdoors.

My dad’s comment somehow got me thinking. Have I gotten too comfortable with my life that I’m not willing to go through hardship again? Do I have the same attitude when it comes to religion? Am I so contented and complacent with life that I have ceased learning and trying to understand Islam? Do I feel that I am quite safe from the Hell Fire?

The reason why such questions were swirling my mind was that, lately, I have been reluctant to travel outside my familiar territory, when it comes to seeking knowledge. As a result, I have actually missed out on attending many good lectures by learned scholars and speakers. I didn’t understand why I was reluctant. Was I getting lazy? It’s not that I completely missed out on those lectures, as I do watch the recordings on youtube later or catch the live streaming, if it was available. It’s just that I was not as eager to dash across town, brace the crowd, just to attend the lectures, no matter how famous the speaker is.

I was beginning to get worried. Am I becoming arrogant? Do I feel that these scholars are not worth my time? Naahh..…that can’t be it because I still do listen to them. So what could it be?

This could very well be a sickness of the heart and I needed to get to the bottom of it. 

The Arabic word “jihad” means struggling or striving.  Acquiring knowledge is also of form of jihad where we strive and struggle to obtain the knowledge from the teachers. Some people travel thousands of kilometers just to be a student. If I don’t strive or struggle to acquire knowledge by attending those lectures, does it mean that I have not performed ‘jihad’? Does that make me a lesser Muslim? Should I feel guilty? Does the knowledge that I acquired has less barakah or blessing?

 I decided to confide in hubby regarding my woes. I mean, he, of all people, knows me inside out and he doesn’t mince his words when he gives his opinion, so, he would be the best person for me to speak to.

After talking to hubby, what he said me afterwards, completely put things into perspective.  He said that, for as long as he has known me, I have never been lazy when it comes to acquiring knowledge. The number of books that I have in my possession and read, were enough to prove it. He even reminded me the time when I took up part-time post-graduate studies, immediately after giving birth  to our third child and whilst still working full time. So, laziness is not an issue.

My hubby seems to think that my reluctance comes from the fact that I feel torn. I want to be there but I feel I need to be elsewhere. You see, I am a working mother of four children and after finishing work, I always make sure that I’m home with the kids and with hubby, to see to their needs. I don’t really like going out at night on my own because I feel that I need to be home with hubby and kids. I feel that is where my place is and that’s where I truly belong. Similarly, any event that is held in the evening, unless my husband goes with me; more often than not, I rather be at home. I can always catch a recording later, though it may be stale news, but I can’t rewind or replay, the precious moments of my kids’ life, that I missed. I feel that my first responsibility should be with my family and second, acquiring knowledge.

The thing is, even if I leave them at home and went for those lectures, my mind would not be there, hence, going for those lectures would actually be pointless. Feeling torn, according to my hubby, is pretty much the source of my reluctance.  It has nothing to do with laziness or being arrogant.

When I thought about it, hubby is actually right. If I’m single and alone, I would probably be dashing all over town, going for as many lectures that I can but I’m not. As much as I would want to go, I realise my priority lies elsewhere.

I am sure that are some mothers, out there, who are in the same predicament and face the same dilemma as I do, but do not despair, we would still be rewarded by God Al Mighty for our intention and sacrifices. Sometimes, we can’t help feeling left out, but I know, given the choice, we would still choose our families over anything else. It is okay to move at our own pace and to stay in our own protective circle. All of us have common destination, only different journeys. What matters is not ‘when’ we arrived but ‘how’ we traveled.

I realise now, that my jihad is different from others. I don’t feel any guilt as I understand that my struggles are also different and I strive for different things. 

Most importantly, I have put my woes to rest ……

`Aishah (RA) reported:
I said: "O Messenger of Allah! We consider Jihad as the best deed, should we not then go for Jihad?''
The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, "The best Jihad for you women is Hajj Mabrur (i.e., one accepted by Allah).''
[Al-Bukhari].

Asma (RA) reported that she approached the Prophet (SAW) on behalf of women and mentioned that men excelled women due to their participation in Friday and congregational prayers, visiting the sick, attending funeral prayers, performing the Hajj and Umra, and due to their participation in Jihad. The Prophet (SAW) replied: "Go and inform the women that their beautification for their husbands, discharging their rights, seeking their pleasure and obeying them is equal in reward (to the above mentioned acts) of men." [Kanz-ul-Amaal]

Beauty in Death.....

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” ― Mark Twain

Last week, I received a sms from a dear friend, informing me that her father, Uncle K, had passed away that afternoon, at her hometown. He was involved in a road accident. The first thing that came to my mind  was….

            “Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un”

            "Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we”

 I met her parents’ years ago. Her father was very friendly and always giving us advice. He treated us like his own children. I was devastated when I got the news and I wanted to know what had really happened but I thought that it wouldn’t be a good time to call and ask. After replying the sms, offering my condolences to her, I made a mental note to call her later.

Today, I spoke to this friend of mine. After asking how she was and how her mum was holding up, I asked her exactly what had happened. She told me that her father was on his motorbike and he was hit by a moving trailer lorry. He had suffered massive internal injury.

Neither she or her mum was with her father when the accident happened. Her father was brought to the hospital unconscious but had died despite efforts to resuscitate him.

As she was talking, my eyes got all teary but it was not because of sadness but happiness. No……I’m not mad! I assure you that I am still sane but what my friend related to me next, was the source of my happiness.

My dearest friend told me that her father had met with an accident, on his way to the mosque for Friday prayers.

“It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no Muslim who dies during the day of Friday or the night of Friday but Allaah will protect him from the trial of the grave.”

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1074; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Ahkaam al-Janaa’iz, p. 49, 50

“It was narrated on the authority of Jaabir ibn ‘Ateek r.a. that the Prophet SAW, said that besides martyrdom for the sake of Allaah The Almighty (i.e. in the battle field), there are seven other types of martyrs: the victim of plague, the person who drowns, the victim of pleurisy, the victim of an abdominal ailment, the person who is burned, the person who dies beneath a collapsed structure and the woman who dies while giving birth. [Maalik, Abu Daawood, An-Nasaa’i and Ibn Maajah]

 

 Some Islamic scholars are of the view that anyone who dies in a car accident, also falls into category of martyrdom.

           

My friend continued telling me that there were so many people, who came to pay their respect to her father that the house was jam-packed. Anyone who didn’t know, would think that there was a wedding instead of a funeral, by the amount of people that was present. Uncle K was very well liked and loved by everyone. My friend used to joke that her father was so famous and known to the people in the city, that if he were to run for election, he would have won hands down.

She told me that when her father was brought back from the hospital, bathed and shrouded, he looked like he was sleeping, so peaceful and calm. He even had a smile on his face. Prior to that, my friend was informed by a witness, that he held Uncle K in his lap while Uncle K recited the shahadah before he became unconscious and the doctors at the hospital told her that Uncle K had sweat on his forehead when he passed away.

“Mu'ath (radiyallahu anhu) reported that the Prophet :saw: said, "He whose last words are 'La ilaha illa 'Llah' will enter Jannah."

Narrated Ahmad

Buraydah bin al-Khasib (radiyallahu anhu) was in Khurasan when he visited a sick brother. He found him at the verge of death, and noticed that his forehead was covered with sweat. So he said, "Allahu akbar! I heard Allah's Messenger say, 'A believer dies with a sweaty forehead.'"

Narrated by Ahmad

MasyaAllah! SubhanAllah!!!! To me, Uncle K’s death was truly a beautiful death. Then, my friend told me that her uncle had passed away two weeks ago whilst the imam was reciting dua during Friday prayers and sometime during Ramadhan, I read about a man who died whilst doing sujud in the mosque. MasyaAllah……..

These are people whom God Al Mighty had bestowed upon them such wonderful privilege. Their death is so beautiful that I long and pray for such death when my time is up.

Who is Uncle K anyway? Uncle K is a very pious man. During his last Ramadhan he managed to finish reciting the Quran twice. He made sure that he read every Quran in the house so that none will get dusty. He was ever ready to help anyone in trouble. He gave away a considerable amount of his money to charity without anyone’s knowledge, not even the wife. The day before his death, which was a Thursday, was the last day which he completed his sunnah fasting for Syawal.

Narrated from Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When Allaah wills good for His slave, He uses him.” They said, “How does He use him?” He said, “He guides him to do good deeds before he dies.” Narrated by Imam Ahmad, 11625; al-Tirmidhi, 2142; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 1334. 

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When Allaah wills good for His slave, He sweetens him.” He was asked, “What is this sweetening?” He said, “Allaah guides him to do righteous deeds before he dies, then He takes (his soul) whilst he is in that state.” Narrated by Ahmad, 17330; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 1114. 

After talking to my dear friend, I sat down, wondering about my fate and how my death would be? I know that I still have tons of sins to atone for and I fervently hope that I still have the time to do so.

We don’t know when the Angel of Death would be knocking on our doors, demanding for the return of our souls. Lets us pray that when the time comes, we are in a state of committing good and righteous deeds and not whilst committing sins! 

Let us also pray that Uncle K’s soul is placed amongst the righteous….Ameen…..

For Better or For Worse....

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”  Friedrich Nietzsche

Everyone dreams of a fairy tale, happily ever after marriage. The question is, does it exist? Or is it a myth? Have you ever wondered why keeping a friendship strong is easier than keeping a marriage? Why is it that with friends we can always work out our differences but with our spouses we can’t seem to talk things over?

Recently, my husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary together. The funny thing is, we both actually forgot about our anniversary and we only realised it two days after that and to top it off, this is the 2^nd time in a row, it has happened! Gosh! We really are getting old.

Years ago, I would be terribly upset if my husband were to forget about my birthday or our anniversary.  Years ago, I expected him to remember and to plan something special to mark the special days. I even expected special gifts. I expect, expect and expect.

Thinking back, it was actually selfish of me to impose such expectations on that poor man whom I call husband and to get visibly upset when he does not fulfil it. I think I drove him mental with my expectations. I mean, he can’t possible read my mind and know exactly what I wanted, right?  Even I didn’t know exactly what was on his mind. He had enough on his plate, with trying to provide for the family, without me adding to it with my silly notion of romanticism.

Don’t get wrong, I’m not saying that a married couple shouldn’t be romantic but putting unreasonable expectation of what romance should be on spouses could very well be putting unnecessary pressure on marriage and on each other. The Wise Owl had once said to me, “Sister, when you don’t have expectations then you will be pleasantly surprise and contented with life”. Of course, when he said that, I thought to myself “yeah right!” but I decided to try his advice nevertheless.

I started with listing down all the negative things, about my husband. Hhmm….quite a short list and none of it unislamic….then I started listing down all the positive things about him. …oh my!!! What a long list!!! Right there, all my grouses and complaints about him seemed very trivial. I have been harping about the small insignificant things that I had actually lost track of the important matters. At that moment, I started thinking, that if my husband was to draw up the same list as I did, about me, the negative list would probably be longer than the positive…errrkkkk!!! Better not suggest that he does it….

Now, 15 years down road, I have more or less gotten a little bit wiser ( I hope). I learnt that rather than getting upset about our expectations not being met by our spouses, it is better try to focus on the things that they are doing right. Try to appreciate the things that they do out of love, for us.

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard.”

Surah An-Nisa 4:34

When we stop having expectation and accept everything that comes our way, in stride, then anything extra, anything unexpected, is actually a bonus. The Wise Owl was actually right.

Also, sometimes in the heat of the moment, especially when we are angry, we women tend to dig up old wounds and throw them back to our husbands. We tend to have temporary lapse of memory, especially when we are irritated or mad with our husbands and we sometimes accuse them of not doing anything nice or romantic for us, ever. I know I have been guilty of that in the past…oh!…Some men do that also….

            “Hadith - Bukhari 1:28, Narrated Ibn'Abbas

The Prophet SAW said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful toAllah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."

For the ladies, accept your husbands as leaders and Imams. Respect them and they will in turn respect you. Treat them as how you would want to be treated.

For the men, always remember that your wives are given to you by God, on trust. Lead them well as you are solely responsible for them. They are fragile and need constant tender loving care, for them to bloom.  Love them unconditionally and you will find a loyal companion for life.

I have learn to count my blessings now. My husband is still not the most romantic person. He doesn’t buy me flowers or expansive jewelleries or even take me out for candlelight dinner but…….

I am thankful for all the times that my husband was by my side when I gave birth to all our children, even though he was not allowed in the OT for the 1^st three and I think he almost fainted when he was finally allowed in for the 4^th.

I am thankful he was by my side when we lost our babies.

I am thankful for the times when he wakes me up for prayers.

I am thankful for the times when he fasted with me, just to keep me company.

I am thankful for all the times when he led us in prayers.

I am thankful that he is a wonderful father to our children.

I am thankful that he has never been judgmental towards me.

I am thankful that he has accepted me, flaws and all and still chooses to stay with me and be my pillar of strength.

Most of all, I am thankful that he reminds me of God Al Mighty every second of the day. 

I’m not saying that I am such a perfect wife now or that my husband is such a perfect husband. We still drive each other crazy sometimes but hey, that what makes the marriage interesting. The main thing is that we strive each day to be better and learn to differentiate what’s important and what’s not and the rest........we leave it to fate….Tawakallah……