“The only journey is the one within.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke
Every year, since 2011, at about the same time, which is after Syawal, my depression would set in. I would feel like I'm being suck into dark oblivion and spiralling out of control. I would feel left out and left behind. All these symptoms will last about a month plus then slowly I would start to feel human again.
What am I blabbering about? Hajj season of course!
Every year, when I see or hear of friends or families going for hajj, I would feel happy for them then the envy will creep in and finally I would feel like I was not invited for a momentous event of a lifetime.
"Labaik allahuma labaik,
labaik la sharika laka labaik,
laka wal mulk,
la sharika lah"
"O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.
There is no partner with You,
here I am.
Truly the praise
and the provisions are Yours,
and so is the dominion and sovereignty.
There is no partner with You."
To be able to recite that in the Holy land is a privilege.
It is true when people say that performing hajj is like a journey of a lifetime. One thing for certain, your life will never be the same again.
Hajj is all about sacrifice. For me, it was sacrificing my own little comfort. I must admit that it was not easy at first, for me, especially during the first few days of wukuf. At one point of time, I felt like screaming because I was dirty and badly in need of a bath. I was as cranky as an old bear but I kept my mouth shut and tried my hardest to remain patient.
All those while, I clung the verse....
" Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease."
After our first throw at the Jamrat, we came out of our ihram and I finally had my much needed bath. It was one of the best showers I ever had in my life, all 5 minutes of it! Thenafter, I felt nothing can dampen my spirit and I can even climb Mount Everest. Thenafter, the discomfort did not bother me anymore. Thenafter, came ease..
The funny thing is, all those discomfort that I endured are actually my fond memories.
Each year, when I hear the call for hajj, my heart would ache with such longing. Given the chance, I would drop everything and perform hajj every year but alas only the 'invited' ones can go. That's why I always feel left behind. That makes me sad.
To be able to complete all the rituals of hajj patiently is a personal victory of being able to conquer our desires. For me then, success never tasted sweeter........