Left behind...

“The only journey is the one within.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

Every year, since 2011, at about the same time, which is after Syawal, my depression would set in. I would feel like I'm being suck into dark oblivion and spiralling out of control. I would feel left out and left behind. All these symptoms will last about a month plus then slowly I would start to feel human again.

What am I blabbering about? Hajj season of course!

Every year, when I see or hear of friends or families going for hajj, I would feel happy for them then the envy will creep in and finally I would feel like I was not invited for a momentous event of a lifetime.

"Labaik allahuma labaik,
labaik la sharika laka labaik,
Innal hamda
wann'imat
laka wal mulk,
la sharika lah"

"O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.
There is no partner with You,
here I am.
Truly the praise
and the provisions are Yours,
and so is the dominion and sovereignty.
There is no partner with You."

To be able to recite that in the Holy land is a privilege.

It is true when people say that performing hajj is like a journey of a lifetime. One thing for certain, your life will never be the same again.

Hajj is all about sacrifice. For me, it was sacrificing my own little comfort.  I must admit that it was not easy at first, for me, especially during the first few days of wukuf. At one point of time, I felt like screaming because I was dirty and badly in need of a bath. I was as cranky as an old bear but I kept my mouth shut and tried my hardest to remain patient.

All those while, I clung the verse....

" Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease."
Qur'an 94:4

After our first throw at the Jamrat, we came out of our ihram and I finally had my much needed bath. It was one of the best showers I ever had in my life, all 5 minutes of it! Thenafter, I felt nothing can dampen my spirit and I can even climb Mount Everest. Thenafter, the discomfort did not bother me anymore. Thenafter, came ease..

The funny thing is, all those discomfort that I endured are actually my fond memories.

Each year, when I hear the call for hajj, my heart would ache with such longing. Given the chance, I would drop everything and perform hajj every year but alas only the 'invited' ones can go. That's why I always feel left behind. That makes me sad.

To be able to complete all the rituals of hajj patiently is a personal victory of being able to conquer our desires. For  me then, success never tasted sweeter........

The Aftermath.....

“Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal.” ― E. Joseph Cossman

Have you ever feel like your adrenalin is sky high during Ramadhan? That you feel so motivated to do many good deeds and sunnah acts and everything is made easy. Everyone around you is also encouraging others to do good and is supportive of your efforts. You don't feel alone because there are many others on the same journey with the same goal - to be a better Muslims.

Then come Syawal.  You start to feel alone again. Gone are the pom pom girls and the cheerleaders who kept your spirits high. No one is standing at the side lines to cheer you on anymore. Gone are the words of wisdom and encouragement, even on Facebook!

Suddenly, you feel like it's a mammoth's task to keep continuing doing what you have been doing all the while during the month of Ramadhan. You start dragging your feet at the simplest sunnah act. Sounds familiar?

You then find that you don't spend the same amount of time reciting the Qur'an as you did before or that you're not as generous as before or that you're not performing the same number of sunnah prayers as you did before. Night prayers?  Well ...that stopped when 'sahur' stopped.

So what happened? 

One easy but lame excuse would be to blame it on satan which was chained during Ramadhan but now has been unleashed again. Blame satan! Satan has made us lazy. Yup! That would be the most convenient excuse but then again satan has no hold or influence on the believers.

" [Iblees] said, "Do You see this one whom You have honored above me? If You delay me until the Day of Resurrection, I will surely destroy his descendants, except for a few."

Qur'an 17:62

"Indeed, over My [believing] servants there is for you no authority. And sufficient is your Lord as Disposer of affairs."
Qur'an 17:65

So, did we stop believing?

The truth is I think, we just ran out of steam. We were going non- stop at high speed, caught up with the excitement that we ran out of breath even before reaching the finish line. Our finish line should when we finally return to our Creator and not the end of Ramadhan.

A seasoned marathon runner would tell you to pace yourself and not sprint in the beginning of the race. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we shouldn't take full advantage of the blessings of Ramadhan by doing as much as possible but also bear in mind that there is still life after Ramadhan. We should try to continue with our deeds and acts even after.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.”

Hadith Ibn Majah

Narrated `Aisha:

Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah is the most regular and constant even if it were little."

Hadith Bukhari

Of course it will much more difficult with satan being loose and all but that is the challenge. To rise above the obstacles.

Find someone or people who can help, be it spouse, family or friends. People who can even join you in your quest.

"Among the people are some who open the way to goodness and close the way to evil."

Hadith Ibn Majah

If you can't find anyone to join you, don't despair. Set out your goals starting with the littlest and simplest of act. Once you feel that the act have become a norm then gradually add to it. Eventually, you will find yourself doing more but with ease and most importantly, with consistency.

"And those who strive for Us -  We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good."

Qur'an 29:69

Antidote and Miracles

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

The Wise Owl used to tell me that the Qur'an has healing powers and is therapeutic. Although I believed him, I just couldn't understand the mechanics of how it works. In the past, I've seen people reciting the verses of Qur'an over a glass of water or an opened bottle of water and then drank the water. Hmmm... is that how it's done?

Curious, I decided to ask the Wise Owl more about the Quranic antidote . Do I sleep hugging the Qur'an with the hope that the miracle vibes will be absorb by my body? Do I recite the verses over a glass of water and drink? Errrrmm...But then again, that might not work as my recitation is quite bad.

The Wise Owl then asked me, " Sister, how do you feel when you read a very good book?" I flashed him a grin, "Relax and woozy inside. There's an unexplainable inner happiness". The Wise Owl nodded his head and smiled. "That sister, is exactly the same effect that you will get when you read or listen to the Qur'an."

Hmmm...something was wrong somewhere as I was not getting that desired effect. Am I eternally doomed or did God sealed my heart?

Allah has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing, and over their vision is a veil. And for them is a great punishment.

Surah Al Baqara 2:7

Yikes! If that was true, boy was I in deep trouble! I needed to find out what, why and how.

The Wise Owl once said that Qur'an, being the words of God, should bring good tidings to believers and warnings to those who disobeyed.

"And We send down of the Qur'an that which is healing and mercy for the believers, but it does not increase the wrongdoers except in loss."

Surah Al Isra' 17:82

Now I understand that when we read the Qur'an, it's not just the physical act of reciting but we must also reflect and try to understand the meaning of the verses. The Qur'an is the remedy for the diseases of the heart and soul. Believe it or not, it also contains information on physical healing.

“There comes forth from their [bees’] bellies, a drink of varying colour wherein is healing for men”
[A-Nahl 16:69]

The thing is, I've always had a relationship with the Qur'an. It started when I was small, when I was made to learn to recite it by my parents. However, as I grew up, we drifted apart and the relationship became strained.  Eventually, we went our own separate ways. I didn't understand it hence failed to appreciate it.

When I wanted to re-learn about Islam, I rekindled the old flame. It was bumpy at first but soon the familiarity started to creep in. It's actualy like riding a bike. You may feel rusty and have a wobbly start but you can never forget how to ride it. This time, not only did I started my recitation again, I also took the trouble to understand what I was reading.

This year, my relationship with the Qur'an changed.  I was finally given the opportunity to learn to read the Qur'an the correct way. I'm no longer mis-pronouncing the verses and neither do I sound like a tone-deaf person singing off-key. I learned to appreciate the beauty of the tajwed of the Qur'an. I'm still am far from perfect and I still do stammer here and there but I do hope that I get some rewards for trying. One thing for sure, it's never too late to learn.

"Verily the one who recites the Qur’an beautifully, smoothly, and precisely, he will be in the company of the noble and obedient angels. And as for the one who recites with difficulty, stammering or stumbling through its verses, then he will have TWICE that reward.”
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

However , this Ramadhan, I sensed something was not quite right. I felt that there was a crust forming around my heart. It was like my soul was slowly becoming cold and lifeless. No matter how many times I recited the Quran, nothing was happening. Something was wrong. Then one night, my husband and I went for terawih prayers at the Wilayah mosque.

When the Imam started reciting the Quranic verses, I felt the hardness around my heart began to slowly melt away like a block of ice. His melodious voice lifted my spirit. Bit by bit, my heart started to feel warm and alive again. Even though I didn't understand the surah that the Imam was reciting but I felt the severity of the verses penetrated straight into my heart. It was as if God was talking to me directly. I held my head down in shame and cried. I was full of regret and remorse. I have not been paying attention to the verses that I've read. I read but I didn't listen. I looked but I didn't see. I learnt but I didn't understand.

That night I was humbled by the fact that despite me  commtting so many mistakes, God still showed me His Mercy.

Now, I truly understand how the Qur'an can cure a hardened heart and soften it. It can even turn it mush. It is indeed one of the miracles of God Almighty.

So, if you ever feel that you are slowly dying inside, perhaps it's a sign that your relationship with the Qur'an is troubled. Do something about it. Sometimes, you can't mend it on your own and you need help. Don't be ashamed to reach out and ask for it.

How to become an attention seeker. .

“The hunger for attention is an enemy of self-love.” Edmond Mbiaka

Everyone craves for attention. 

To be at the receiving end of scrutiny, consideration, love and care is a wondrous feeling. It envelopes you like a thermal blanket and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. It also makes you feel important and wanted.

The tricky part is seeking the right kind of attention. Here are some tips on how to seek the right kind of attention and to be assured that you are talked about and your name is mentioned repeatedly.

1. Safeguard your 5 daily prayers.
2. Pray on time i.e. right after the call for prayer.
3. Help others who are in need.
4. Be generous either with your time or wealth or knowledge.
5. Guard your tongue.
6. Always forgive and seek for forgiveness.
7. Always seek for repentance.

8. Keep your intentions pure and for Him only.

9. Pay your zakat.

10. Perform your hajj if you're able.

11. Think well of God. 

12. Only turn to Him for help.

13.Don't be arrogant. 

14. Have compassion and mercy towards others even to animals.

15. Study, read and apply Quran in your daily life.

16. Learn and apply the teachings of Prophet Muhammad pbuh.

17. Be thankful and grateful. 

"And spend in the way of Allah and do not throw [yourselves] with your [own] hands into destruction [by refraining]. And do good; indeed, Allah loves the doers of good."

Surah Al Baqara 2:195

"When Allah loves a servant, He calls Gabriel and says: Verily, I love this person so you should love him. Then Gabriel loves him and makes an announcement in the heavens, saying: Allah loves this person and you should love him. Thus, the dwellers of the heavens love him and he is honored in the earth. When Allah is angry with a servant, He calls Gabriel and says: I have resentment for this person, so you should resent him. Then Gabriel is resentful towards him and makes an announcement in the heavens, saying: Verily, Allah is resentful with this person, so you should resent him. Thus, they become resentful with him and he is hated in the earth."

Sahih Muslim 2637

Softening the Heart...

"Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good- to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, those in need, neighbours who are near, neighbours who are strangers, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (ye meet), and what your right hands possess: For Allah loveth not the arrogant, the vainglorious;-" Surah An-Nisa 4:36

When I was small, one of my favourite movies was the film 'Annie'. The story is about an orphan named Annie who met a rich man who eventually became her adopted father.

I liked the movie because it had a happy ending. Who, in the right frame of mind, doesn't like happy endings? If only every orphan child can have such wonderful life but alas, the reality can be quite harsh sometimes.

A friend of mine, sister A, always reminds me of a hadith about taking care of orphans.

Sahl ibn Sa’d reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The one who cares for an orphan and myself will be together in Paradise like this,” and he held his two fingers together to illustrate.

Hadith Bukhari

Recently, sister A and I were given the opportunity to spend time with a group of very special kids. Most of them have lost their father and some, both parents. Despite the hardship most of them faced, they are very strong and grateful for whatever blessings that God has given them. Their attitude and outlook on life taught me a couple things, such as, to scale down my 'diva-ness' and to reduce my whining.

We often take for granted the simple things in life that we have. We have a bed to sleep on at night yet we sometimes moan that the mattress is not soft enough. We eat more than 3 meals a day but yet we still complain that the food is not delicious. We have a closet full of clothes but yet we grumble about not having anything to wear or that our clothes are out of fashion.

These kids, I can tell you, have little indeed but they are the happiest bunch of people I've ever met. They have such calmness in their heart.

I supposed what the Wise Owl has been trying to drill into my daft brain all these while, is true....once you've accepted what is decreed for you, you will have peace and tranquillity.

Now I understand.....feeding or taking care of orphans is not just an act of kindness. The reason why we are encouraged to do so is, it's more for us than it is for them. You don't believe me?

"Abu Huraira reported: A man came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he complained about the hardness of his heart. The Messenger of Allah said, “If you want to soften your heart, then feed the poor and pat the head of the orphan.”
Hadith Ahmad 

Try to spend time with them. Stare into their eyes and hold their hands. You'll be surprised with the lessons of life you can learn from them. They will teach you about humility, acceptance, love, courage, perseverance, and most importantly.......about being a thankful servant.

I think that both mine and sister A's hearts didn't just soften after spending time with them; it had in fact turned into mush! I honestly believe that when one's heart is soften, it's easier to feel compassion and to absorb as well as to give love. A hardened heart will not appreciate the blessings that God Almighty has bestowed upon it.

Ramadhan is just a few days away. Don't wait for Ramadhan before you open your heart to goodness as you'll never know if you will even get the opportunity to greet the blessed month.

Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

Sarah Ar-Rahman 55:13

It's ok to be alone......

“There is a certain strength in being alone.” ― Heather Duffy Stone

One of the biggest fear for most of us is being alone.

To be alone often means being lonely. Loneliness is not a nice feeling to have and it can make a person feels utterly depressed.

Long time ago, I found out that in order to discover ourselves, we need to be alone. That is truly when we can learn about our own strengths.

If you think about it. We came into this world alone and we will return to our Maker, alone. Then again, we are never alone. We always have Angels surrounding us and most importantly, we have God.

"When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way."

Surah Al Baqara 1:186

Today, at the Sisters Book Club, we talked about being alone and being lonely. Actually, we talked about a whole load of others stuff also *grins*. Well....You know how it is...when sisters meet, they tend to talk about everything under sun!

But the gems I got from our discussion was that, sometimes, you find that you need take a certain journey on your own. The journey to get closer to God is the journey that we need to make on our own. Even if we have friends on similar path, each of our experiences will still be different.

And, the beauty of it is....we may be alone but we will never be lonely.

"It was We Who created man, and We know what dark suggestions his soul makes to him: for We are nearer to him than (his) jugular vein."

Surah Qaf 50:16

The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

[Sahih Al-Bukhari]

I'm not saying that we need to isolate everyone in our lives or become a hermit, in order to come close to God. Neither am I'm saying that we shouldn't seek help from others or companionship when we need it.

All I'm saying is that if you find yourself to be alone, don't feel despair or sad as it could be that God wants some private time with you. Perhaps so that you can devote your entire attention to Him without distractions. An intimate session, just you and Him.

Moral of the story....Don't worry...... we are never truly alone...

The Book Club

“A room without books is like a body without a soul.” ― Marcus Tullius Cicero

The Wise Owl always tells me to read. "Sister, you must continue to read books. You must continue gaining knowledge".

What the Wise Owl said is true, in fact,  "Iqra", which means 'read', was the first word that was uttered by the Angel Jibrail a.s. to our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW in the cave of Hira', when the first wahyu was revealed.

The good news is that I love books and I love reading. The bad news is that I've been so caught up with other stuff that I couldn't find the time to sit down and actually read a real book. The honest truth is that I've been slacking....

Realising that fact, I decided to do something about about it. The mountain of un-read books that are stacked high at the corner of my bedroom seems to be mocking me every time I glance at it. With all these hi-tech gadgets and gizmos, I tend to get easily distracted. I needed to to discipline myself to get back to old fashion book reading. I needed to do something..

So as a solution...I decided to join the Book Club! I figured that by joining a book club, I would not have any excuse but to read at least 1 book a month. Perfect solution right? I purchased the books on the club's reading list (and added it to the existing mountainous pile) and started reading the book that was going to be discussed at the next book club meet. 

I must admit that I was really looking forward to the book club meet but I was also a bit nervous as I didn't know most of the ladies in the group. The group had decided to meet at one of the Mosque. 

After the introduction, we went on to discuss about the book of the month. Each one of the sisters gave her view on the book and author. 

I must say, I was amazed. I never thought that a book club can be so interesting and fun. I love listening to the views of the sisters with regards to the characters and also the contents of the book. It was refreshing. I discovered that by reading, you can gain knowledge of things that you don't know but by listening, you can gain a deeper understanding of the knowledge that you possess.

Did you know that any gathering with the intention of obtaining knowledge is a blessed gathering?

The prophet (SallaAallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) said, “Whoever seeks a path through which to gain knowledge, then Allah will make easy a path for him to Jannah (e.g. facilitate study for you, making the Day of Judgement easy i.e. journey over siraat, etc).” 
Hadith Tirmidhi & Ahmad

I went to the book club meet that day with the intention to discuss a book but what I got instead was so much more. I learnt the true meaning of modesty or 'haya' of women. I learnt about the obstacles and struggles that the other sisters face in trying to be a good Muslimah. Most of all, I made new friends. Now, I can say that I belong to a sisterhood of books. As nerdy as it sounds, I am happy to be part of this group and I am really looking forward to the next meet, to learn more...InshaAllah...

"Proclaim! (or read!) in the name of thy Lord and Cherisher, Who created-

Created man, out of a (mere) clot of congealed blood:

Proclaim! And thy Lord is Most Bountiful,-

He Who taught (the use of) the pen,-

Taught man that which he knew not.

Nay, but man doth transgress all bounds,

In that he looketh upon himself as self-sufficient.

Verily, to thy Lord is the return (of all).

Seest thou one who forbids-

A votary when he (turns) to pray?

Seest thou if he is on (the road of) Guidance?-

Or enjoins Righteousness?

Seest thou if he denies (Truth) and turns away?

Knoweth he not that Allah doth see?

Let him beware! If he desist not, We will drag him by the forelock,-

A lying, sinful forelock!

Then, let him call (for help) to his council (of comrades):

We will call on the angels of punishment (to deal with him)!

Nay, heed him not: But bow down in adoration, and bring thyself the closer (to Allah)!"

Surah Al-Alaq 96:1-19