Dear Heart....

“Oft hope is born when all is forlorn.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien

Many many many moons ago, I felt that my life was a complete mess. Everything that could go have gone wrong, went wrong and problems were cropping up like wild mushrooms on a damp soil after a heavy rain. I felt overwhelmed and defeated. There were times that I was tempted to walk away because I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ironically, that was also the time when I was trying to learn more about Islam. 

As I sat in front of the Wise Owl, feeling dejected, I told him about the conflicted feeling that I was experiencing. You see, I was trying very hard to have faith in God’s plan and accept fate but at the same time I couldn’t help feeling that He wasn’t listening to my duas. I felt let down. I know that a Muslim should not have such feelings but I still felt disgruntled. It’s like a child being angry with her parents. She still loves and respects her parents but she is angry with them, nevertheless. 

I told the Wise Owl that by feeling like I did, I felt that I have failed as a Muslim and that my eaman was actually at rock bottom but the thing is, I couldn’t help feeling what I felt. Does that make me a bad Muslim? Have I strayed off path? Am I being ungrateful? Am I destined to eternal hell? 

Instead of scolding me or giving me a sermon on how a good Muslim should have absolute and unconditional faith in God Almighty, he simply told me, “sister, be happy. You are only human. You are not expected to be perfect. The most important thing is how you deal with the negative feelings that you have. Strengthening of the eaman takes time. It cannot happen overnight. In the mean time, you will have your ups and downs. God is merciful. He knows your weaknesses and limitations. He will never place a burden on you more than you can bear. So, trust me, whatever it is that you are going through, God knows that you can shoulder it and pass with flying colors. You must, not only have faith in God but also in yourself. After all, we human are His best creations.”

           

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…”  

Surah Al Baqara 2:286

Then, what the Wise Owl told me next completely blew me away. He said that even Prophets had whisperings of the heart. Our mind will tell us what is right but our heart is the one that is filled with emotions and feelings and sometimes, the heart doesn’t listen to the mind. At times, the heart needs persuasion and reassurance.

“And when Abraham said (unto his Lord): My Lord! Show me how Thou givest life to the dead, He said: Dost thou not believe? Abraham said: Yea, but (I ask) in order that my heart may be at ease. (His Lord) said: Take four of the birds and cause them to incline unto thee, then place a part of them on each hill, then call them, they will come to thee in haste, and know that Allah is Mighty, Wise.”

Surah Al Baqara 2:260                             

Honestly, I felt sooo much better after that. I didn’t feel like an ogre anymore for feeling despaired and having doubts. I might be wrong but to me, there is nothing wrong in finding answer to calm the heart. It is better to soothe an unsettled heart rather than to pretend to have unwavering faith when in reality everything is hanging by a thread. I also learnt that as human, we will definitely be tested by God Almighty. Why should we be spared when even our beloved Prophet Muhammad pbuh faced trials and tribulations and mind you, our tests are not even close to what Prophet pbuh went through.

“Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, We believe, and will not be tested with affliction?”

Surah Al Ankaboot 29:2

Now looking back, I believe that my despair and doubts at that time, indirectly strengthened my faith. When my heart questioned, I looked for answers and the answers I found made me understand more. Each time I found answers, I had renewed hope. Of course, I had to ask for forgiveness for the anger that I felt but I have to believe that God will forgive my inadequacies and imperfections. Don't feel bad if your heart questions as it could be a process of learning and understanding.

Even now, sometimes my heart still questions and become uneasy but the trick  is to look for that silver lining behind the clouds. Trust me, it’s there. We just have to look harder…..

"What has reached you was never meant to miss you and what has missed you was never meant to reach you." Prophet Muhammad pbuh

To Him we shall return...

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” ― Marcus Aurelius.

When I was small, I refused to set foot in a cemetery. Why? Thanks to a movie called 'Salem's Lot', I was terrified of seeing eerie looking ghost floating around their tomb.

Now, many years on, I wouldn't say that I've become brave but suffice to say that I'm not terrified anymore. Today, as I stood at the cemetery, at my uncle's funeral, holding an umbrella, shielding my mum, under the scorching sun, I couldn't help but wonder when the angel of death would be knocking on my door.

Every soul will taste death, and you will only be given your [full] compensation on the Day of Resurrection. So he who is drawn away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise has attained [his desire]. And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion.
Surah Al Imran 3:185

How will my soul be taken? Gently or by force? Will the angel of death greet me with Salam or will it scowl at me? Will my soul be wrapped in wonderful smelling cloth or in a pungent wrapper? Will I survive the interrogation in the grave?

Al-Bara reported: We went out with the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, for the funeral of a man from among the helpers. We came to the grave and when he was placed in the ground, the Messenger of Allah sat down and we sat around him, quiet as if there were birds on our heads. In his hand he had a stick with which he was scratching the ground. Then the Prophet raised his head and said, “Seek refuge with Allah from the torment of the grave,” two or three times. Then he said, “When the believing servant is about to depart this world and enter the Hereafter, angels down to him from heaven with white faces like the sun, and they sit around him as far as the eye can see. They bring with them shrouds from Paradise and perfumes from Paradise. Then the angel of death comes and sits by his head, and he says: O good soul, come forth to forgiveness from Allah and His pleasure. Then it comes out easily like a drop of water from the mouth of a pitcher. When he seizes it, they do not leave it in his hand for an instant before they take it and put it in a shroud with that perfume, and there comes from it a fragrance like the finest musk on the face of the earth. Then they ascend and they do not pass by any group of angels but they say: Who is this good soul? They say: It is so-and-so the son of so-and-so, calling him by the best names with which he was known in this world, until they reach the lowest heaven. They ask for it to be opened and it is opened for them, and the soul is welcomed and accompanied to the next heaven by those who are closest to Allah, until they reach the seventh heaven. Then Allah says: Record the book of My servant in the noble book in the seventh heaven, and return him to the earth;  from it I created them, to it I will return them and from it I will bring them forth once again. So his soul is returned to his body and there come to him two angels who make him sit up and they say to him: Who is your Lord? He says: Allah. They say: What is your religion? He says: My religion is Islam. They say: Who is this man who was sent among you? He says: He is the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him. They say: What did you do? He says: I read the Book of Allah and I believed in it. Then a voice calls out from heaven: My servant has spoken the truth, so prepare for him a bed from Paradise and clothe him from Paradise, and open for him a gate to Paradise. Then there comes to him some of its fragrance, and his grave is made wide as far as he can see; and then there comes to him a man with a handsome face, handsome clothes and a good fragrance, who says: Receive the glad tidings that will bring you joy this day. He says: Who are you? Your face is a face which brings glad tidings. He says: I am your righteous deeds. He says: O Lord, hasten the Hour so that I may return to my family and my wealth. However, when the disbelieving servant is about to depart this world and enter the Hereafter, angels come down to him from heaven with black faces, bringing sackcloth, and they sit around him as far as the eye can see. Then the angel of death comes and sits by his head, and he says: O evil soul, come forth to the wrath of Allah and His anger. Then his soul disperses inside his body and comes out cutting the veins and nerves, like a skewer passing through wet wool. When he seizes it, they do not leave it in his hand for an instant before they take it and put it in that sackcloth, and there comes from it a stench like the foulest stench of a dead body on the face of the earth. Then they ascend and they do not pass by any group of angels but that they say: Who is this evil soul? They say: It is so-and-so the son of so-and-so, calling him by the worst names by which he was known in this world, until they reach the lowest heaven. They ask for it to be opened and it is not opened for them.” Then the Messenger of Allah recited the verse, “For them the gates of heaven will not be opened, and they will not enter Paradise until the camel goes through the eye of the needle (7:40).” He continued, “Then Allah says: Record the book of My servant in the evil book in the lowest earth, and return him to the earth; from it I created them, to it I will return them and from it I will bring them forth once again. So his soul is cast down.”  Then the Messenger of Allah recited the verse, “Whoever assigns partners to Allah, it is as if he had fallen from the sky and the birds had snatched him, or the wind had thrown him to a far off place (22:31).” He continued, “Then his soul is returned to his body, and there come to him two angels who make him sit up and they say to him: Who is your Lord? He says: Oh, oh, I don’t know. They say: What is your religion? He says: Oh, oh, I don’t know. Then a voice calls out from heaven: Prepare for him a bed from Hell and clothe him from Hell, and open for him a gate to Hell. Then there comes to him some of its heat and hot winds, and his grave is constricted and compresses him until his ribs interlock. Then there comes to him a man with an ugly face, ugly clothes, and a foul stench, who says: Receive the bad news, for this is the day that you were promised. He says: Who are you? Your face is a face of evil. He says: I am your evil deeds. He says: O Lord, do not let the Hour come! Do not let the Hour come!”
Hadith Ahmad.

Bbbrrrrr....Reading the above hadith gave me the shivers. It's true that we do not know how or when we will die but one thing we do know is how to work towards the possibility of experiencing a beautiful death.

We should, not only prepare for our life on earth but also for our death and hereafter. Do not postpone repentance. Make the necessary sacrifices or changes that is needed in order to be a better servant of God. Do not assume that we will have tomorrow. Never take for granted the time that we have.

It is Allah Who takes away the souls at the time of their death, and those that die not during their sleep. He keeps those (souls) for which He has ordained death and sends the rest for a term appointed. Verily, in this are signs for a people who think deeply.
Surah Az Zumar 39:42

That day at the cemetery, thankfully I didn't see any floating ghost or lost soul but I was still haunted. I am now haunted by the mere thought of how the angel of death will claim my soul when my time comes. I pray that it will be gentle with me..ameen...

Great Expectations

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are” - Donald Miller,

The Wise Owl used to tell me to stop having expectations. He used to tell me, "sister, don't expect anything from God Almighty as He will give when He decides to give. Don't expect anything from people as they may not measure up when you want them to. When you don't have expectations, everything good is a bonus." I must admit that what he said is so very true.

Recently, God decided to cross my path with a group a people from a completely different walk of life. When I first met them, the Wise Owl's advice immediately came into mind. So instead of trying to read them by the way they were dressed, like I was trained to, I opened up my heart and my ears. MasyaAllah! I found them to be truly gifted people. They taught me a thing or two about love, honesty and loyalty. Most of all, they showed me the true meaning of sincerity.

Every time God throws a person in my path, I know that I'm supposed to learn something from him or her. I met a couple who dedicate their entire waking hours thinking of ways to do good deeds. To me,  they give a new meaning to the phrase 'living life to the fullest'. I must admit how I envy their ability to do good.

Abu Hurairah reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:"Allah does not look at your appearances or your financial status, but He looks at your hearts and your actions."  (Al-Bukhari)

If you think about it, when we have expectations, we are in fact judging a person in accordance to our own standards. If that person didn't measure up then we deemed him or her as a failure and we get disappointed or upset. Truthfully, it is us who have actually failed. We failed to accept people as they are, limitations and all.

Now, I truly understand that when it comes to life, my teacher does not  necessarily have to be an Islamic scholar or someone who memorized the holy Quran. Anyone can be your teacher. It's just a matter of whether you are humbled enough to be a student. I had a stranger who came to me, one day, asking me to not stop writing as my ramblings had helped her. She in turn, had taught me to hope when I was at the brink of giving up.  

Like I said, anyone can be your teacher. In fact, to me, the best teachers are the ones who touched your heart and leaves a mark, whoever he or she might be.....

Meet and Greet session

There will be a Meet and Greet session this Wednesday, 29th April 2015. Do come...

 

When will I be Famous?

“The life given us, by nature is short; but the memory of a well-spent life is eternal.” ― Marcus Tullius Cicero

I am not a well known actress nor am  I a world class singer. I am not an aspiring politician. The only people who knows me are my friends and families. I am actually a no-body. In fact, I think some of my acquaintances and friends have even forgotten about me.

I am a simple person with simple needs but I harbor a secret desire. A desire to be famous.....

 One day, the Wise Owl told me a story about one of the companion of Prophet pbuh. During the burial of this blessed sahabah, Prophet pbuh had to walk on tip toe as if there was a crowd because of the vast number of angels present. SubhanAllah! This sahabah was held in high esteem in the eyes of God and was famous amongst the angels because of his deeds during his lifetime. I sat there, staring at the Wise Owl in amazement, with my mouth opened. Imagine having thousands of angels attending your funeral and making dua for you. Such honor!

The Wise Owl said that to secure the love of our Creator requires work. It's not impossible but it demands some sacrifices to be made.

Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “When Allah loves a person, He calls Jibreel and says: ‘I love So and so, so love him.’ So Jibreel loves him, then he calls out to the people of heaven, ‘Allah loves So and so, so love him.’ So the people of heaven love him and he finds acceptance on earth. If Allah hates a person, He calls Jibreel and says: ‘I hate So and so, so hate him.’ So Jibreel hates him, then he calls out to the people of heaven: ‘Allah hates So and so, so hate him.’ So they hate him and he is hated on earth.” 
Sahih Bukhari

Looking back, I know that I have indeed been blessed. What I possess may not be much to others but to me, it is abundance. I am grateful.

But, still.....I long to be famous.....in God's eyes and amongst the angels. I don't know if my deeds are accepted or my sacrifices are enough but I must at least try.

 Now tell me, don't you wish to be famous too?

New Book

Alhamdulillah, the new Malay book is out. There will be a meet & greet as well as signing session on the 29th April 2015 from 3.00 - 4.00 pm, at the International Book Festival at Putra World Trade Centre. If you are free, do come along....

Chasing away the blues.....

“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.” ― Eric Hoffer

Something totally unexpected happened to me after I gave birth recently. One fine day, I woke up feeling utterly depress. It was like doom and gloom. I couldn’t find the cause of my depression, which made me even more depress. I became anxious, agitated, paranoid and tearful. 

I consulted my gynae thinking that was it was just hormonal imbalance considering my age but she was of the opinion that I was experiencing ‘post-natal’ depression and suggested that I see ‘someone’, meaning a shrink. Errrr….ok….Then, I spoke to a close friend who is also a gynae and she also diagnosed the same thing. Hhmmmm…Somehow, the idea of seeing a psychiatrist didn’t sit too well with me. It may be that some of my friends think I’m mental but I’m not crazy you know………

I mean…….Seriously? 

At first I found it impossible to believe because to me, only first time mothers experience post natal blues and not one who had just given birth her fifth child! But, truth remained, all the symptoms were there. One way or the other, I needed help.

One of the things that I noticed was that I lost the ability to write. My mind was completely blank. I couldn’t even put together a proper sentence in my head, let alone compose a paragraph. Everything was a blur. That, effectively got me upset even further. 

Truth is, we (myself included) tend to take a lot things that has been given to us by God for granted. We failed to appreciate the simple things, which are blessing, that we have until it is taken away from us. Friends, families, good job, money, good health and the list goes on.

You see, writing has always been my passion and to have it taken away from me, even for the briefest moment, was pure agony. I felt lost and useless. I also felt like the dumbest person on earth. It was like whatever knowledge that I had that was bestowed by Him, was taken away. I wasn’t even sure if the knowledge would ever be returned to me. Even though it was just the ability to think and write and not even something more severe like my sight or limbs but it was enough to make me realize that whatever God has given us, He can easily take it away in a flash. 

Could it be that I have not been grateful enough?

“Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?”

Surah Ar Rahman 55:13

“And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allah. Then, when harm touches you, unto Him you cry aloud for help.”

Surah An Nahl 16:53

Maybe, I was too busy with my ‘worldly’ life that I didn’t thank Him enough. Maybe, I didn’t repent for the sins that I consciously or sub-consciously committed recently. Maybe, I committed a wrong against another person. Maybe, maybe, maybe…..

The thing is, I can sit and ponder about the ‘maybes’ until the cows come home but it would not solve my predicament. I realized that there was only one thing to do….

            Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

            "Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return"

So……..million dollar question…Did I manage to chase my blues away? 

Alhamdulillah, I have had help and support from family and friends and I am slowly but surely on the road to recovery. I am not completely whole yet so do forgive me if my writing is a blubbering mess but let me give you this tiny piece of important advice….when in need, turn to God Al Mighty FIRST. Beg for forgiveness and guidance from Him. Be patient and have faith. Beg for His help and He in turn, will grant you His mercy and send people to help you….

            “And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you."

            Surah Ghafir 40:60