Chasing away the blues.....

“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.” ― Eric Hoffer

Something totally unexpected happened to me after I gave birth recently. One fine day, I woke up feeling utterly depress. It was like doom and gloom. I couldn’t find the cause of my depression, which made me even more depress. I became anxious, agitated, paranoid and tearful. 

I consulted my gynae thinking that was it was just hormonal imbalance considering my age but she was of the opinion that I was experiencing ‘post-natal’ depression and suggested that I see ‘someone’, meaning a shrink. Errrr….ok….Then, I spoke to a close friend who is also a gynae and she also diagnosed the same thing. Hhmmmm…Somehow, the idea of seeing a psychiatrist didn’t sit too well with me. It may be that some of my friends think I’m mental but I’m not crazy you know………

I mean…….Seriously? 

At first I found it impossible to believe because to me, only first time mothers experience post natal blues and not one who had just given birth her fifth child! But, truth remained, all the symptoms were there. One way or the other, I needed help.

One of the things that I noticed was that I lost the ability to write. My mind was completely blank. I couldn’t even put together a proper sentence in my head, let alone compose a paragraph. Everything was a blur. That, effectively got me upset even further. 

Truth is, we (myself included) tend to take a lot things that has been given to us by God for granted. We failed to appreciate the simple things, which are blessing, that we have until it is taken away from us. Friends, families, good job, money, good health and the list goes on.

You see, writing has always been my passion and to have it taken away from me, even for the briefest moment, was pure agony. I felt lost and useless. I also felt like the dumbest person on earth. It was like whatever knowledge that I had that was bestowed by Him, was taken away. I wasn’t even sure if the knowledge would ever be returned to me. Even though it was just the ability to think and write and not even something more severe like my sight or limbs but it was enough to make me realize that whatever God has given us, He can easily take it away in a flash. 

Could it be that I have not been grateful enough?

“Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?”

Surah Ar Rahman 55:13

“And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allah. Then, when harm touches you, unto Him you cry aloud for help.”

Surah An Nahl 16:53

Maybe, I was too busy with my ‘worldly’ life that I didn’t thank Him enough. Maybe, I didn’t repent for the sins that I consciously or sub-consciously committed recently. Maybe, I committed a wrong against another person. Maybe, maybe, maybe…..

The thing is, I can sit and ponder about the ‘maybes’ until the cows come home but it would not solve my predicament. I realized that there was only one thing to do….

            Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

            "Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return"

So……..million dollar question…Did I manage to chase my blues away? 

Alhamdulillah, I have had help and support from family and friends and I am slowly but surely on the road to recovery. I am not completely whole yet so do forgive me if my writing is a blubbering mess but let me give you this tiny piece of important advice….when in need, turn to God Al Mighty FIRST. Beg for forgiveness and guidance from Him. Be patient and have faith. Beg for His help and He in turn, will grant you His mercy and send people to help you….

            “And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you."

            Surah Ghafir 40:60

Worldly Possessions..

“If you have clutter, you're richer than you think!”
― Donna Smallin Kuper

A couple weeks ago, I was suddenly seized by a panic attack. I realised that I had too much stuff. More than I needed. I immediately started my de-cluttering mode. I was truly afraid I would be deemed as `wasteful` for having so much stuff. I was scared out of my wits that if I were to die that instance, I would not be able to justify my worldly possessions. Yikes!

I made a promise to myself a long time ago, never to become a hoarder again and though I did not quite break my promise, I did in actual fact cluttered my closet again. Sigh!

The thing is, I did it absent mindedly. Yeah, I know! Such a lame excuse to give but honestly I did it subconsciously. I bought the stuff thinking that I will use it later, chucked it in the closet and forgot all about it. It was only when hubbs casually commented about my 'un-used' stuff that I snapped out of my stupor and took a good look at my closet and other storage area. SubhanAllah!

Luckily, it wasn't as bad as last time but it wasn't good either.

"And render to the kindred their due rights, as (also) to those in want, and to the wayfarer: But squander not (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift. Verily spendthrifts are brothers of the Evil Ones; and the Evil One is to his Lord (himself) ungrateful."
Surah Isra 17:26-27

What a person need is very subjective but truthfully, we can survive on very little. Anything that is extra is actually a luxury. It is better to give away stuff that we don't use. Let others who need it put it into good use. Giving away your worldly possession is also an act of charity and InshaAllah you will reap reward for. Charity is not about giving money only. Smiling is also a form of charity. The Wise Owl once told me that the best charity is to give away the things that we love.

The Prophet SAW also said: "Every act of goodness is charity." - Sahih Muslim, Hadith 496

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Charity is prescribed for each descendant of Adam every day the sun rises." He was then asked: "From what do we give charity every day?" The Prophet answered: "The doors of goodness are many...enjoining good, forbidding evil, removing harm from the road, listening to the deaf, leading the blind, guiding one to the object of his need, hurrying with the strength of one's legs to one in sorrow who is asking for help, and supporting the feeble with the strength of one's arms--all of these are charity prescribed for you." He also said: "Your smile for your brother is charity." - Fiqh-us-Sunnah, Volume 3, Number 98

I must constantly remind myself to keep things simple. No more clutter. Stick to the basic.....May God grant me ease....Ameen.....

Lost and found.......

“The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.”
― Henry Ward Beecher

Of late, I was feeling kinda blue. Maybe it was a mild post-natal depression (it's real and it exist!) Or maybe I was just overwhelmed with my current situation.

Tonight, hubbs and I received very special visitors -our roommates during hajj. It's always a pleasure to see them and tonight was no different. Hajj was one of the best experiences of my life and given the chance, I would like to go again, In Sha Allah.

Anyway, the ladies and I were reminiscing about our experience and they reminded me about the time I was chased by a very handsome Arab guy as I was entering our tent site in Mina. That handsome guy was in charge of the catering for our tent and he had chased me down, thinking that I've lost my way. You see, I was in all black - abaya, hijab and niqab. He thought I was an Arab woman, lost in a Malaysian camp site. After showing my identification tag, he apologised and after that our group got extra drinks and fruits for each meal. That was a truly a blessing in disguise, if you asked me.

We also talked about the baby and the sleepless night I was having and also about our deeds after hajj. I mentioned to them that I was feeling very overwhelmed and wished I have more time to perform certain acts of worship. One of the sisters commented that by doing every single thing in our lives for in God's name and for His sake, our entire life is an act of worship. Subhanallah! She's right! How can I forget that? Sometimes, we need someone to point out the obvious to us because we tend to get caught in things.

I feel very grateful that whenever I feel lost, I will seek Him for guidance and God will always send someone to set me back on track, like tonight. I found a way to chase my blues away ....

What I'm trying to say is, if you feel lost, just make dua and He will respond. Also do not feel guilty if you ever feel overwhelmed with your situation or life because I believe it's God way of asking you to find Him.....

Returning Home

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Today, I was greeted early in the morning by the news of two deaths. Though I did not know both the deceased personally, the news of their death affected me deeply. Perhaps, it is because both of the deceased were mothers like me.

No one will live forever. Each of us have our own expiry date, just that we don't know when.

"Every soul will taste death"
Surah Al Imran 3:185

Sometimes, I wonder that when I die, will anyone miss me. Will anyone be at my funeral?  I'm not exactly the easiest person to get along with so have I done enough to repair the damage? Are my deeds enough to save me later? How will I die? I do hope it's a beautiful death. The one very question that I always ask myself is, have I put my affairs in order, if I die?

I keep telling myself to try simplify my life but each day I get side-tracked and distracted with other things and almost  each night I would go into a state of panic when I remember the things that I've not done or undone. Sigh!

One thing that I've done, at least, is to leave a request with my hubby on how I would prefer to be buried in the event of my death. I told my hubby to make sure that my modesty is always protected and my awra is always covered. I would also prefer to be buried as soon as possible following the sunnah.

Authority of Abu Hurairah who quotes the Prophet as saying: "Speed up the funeral; if it is one of a good person, you are only taking that person to a good prospect. If otherwise, then he is no more than an evil you are putting off your shoulders."
Hadith Bukhari

I figured that if I never managed to get my worldly affairs in order when I return 'home' to my Maker,  at least I got my 'death' sorted out.....

Winds of Change.....

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

It is difficult for most people to accept change especially if the change is sudden. I am no exception. I would complain and whined about it. In fact, I will make all kind of excuses to resist the change. I was the Queen of excuses. Give me one positive point and I can give you 101 negative excuses. 

Then, I realised that I was my own worst enemy. I was sabotaging myself.  Of course I had a lot of encouragement from satan, whispering negative things into my ears. Positive changes are good especially those that are suppose to bring you closer to God but we have trouble dealing with it.  

When my daughter told me, a few month ago that our usual transporter was not able to ‘transport’ my kids to and fro, from school, I inwardly groaned. I knew that I was going to be the designated driver, ferrying my kids around. That would actually disrupt my entire daily schedule. Then, I immediately stopped myself. There’s no point me whining or groaning about it. Unless I find a new transporter, I will just have to do it. I just have to change my schedule and embrace the change, regardless of how I feel about it. 

Years ago, when I realised that my life needs to drastically changed, it was not easy for me at first but then I found out that if I embrace the change instead of resisting it, the transition was a lot easier. 

The bottom line is, do I want to change? If I truly wanted to be a better Muslim then change I must. I can’t expect things to get better by just sitting down. If I truly wanted to be a better Muslim, I must stop making excuses.

           

“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.”

Surah Ar-Rad 13:11

I have to stop giving myself excuse and sabotaging myself. Most of all, I have to stop being my own worst enemy. 

Normal human behaviour is to instinctively become defensive when faced with something negative. The thing is, that negative thing that we perceived, is sometimes a positive change. Our negative attitude is the stumbling block to our change actually, at least, it was in my situation. 

I don’t know about others but I realised that sometimes, in order to embrace the change, I need to cheat myself I need to introduce the change slowly until I get accustomed to it. Drastic change only works when I’m back to a corner or forced to accept the change but more often than not, it does not last. It normally fizzles out and I find myself reverting back to my old self.

Back to my predicament, after accepting the fact that I have to be a ‘mom taxi’, a saviour, in a form of a new transporter recommended by a friend, came to our rescue. Phew! 

So, the moral of the story, when calamity strikes, don’t be too quick to jump. Pray hard for a solution but be prepared for the worst. Embrace changes willingly to ease the transition and never give up on possibility of a miracle….

How We Forget.

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche.

The other day, my eldest commented, "Mummy, why is it despite not getting enough sleep, you don't have dark circles under your eyes?" Hhhmmm.....good question but honestly I don't know why despite being zombie-fied due to lack of sleep since the arrival of our little bundle of joy. It's true that miraculously, I don't bear any signs of sleep deprivation.

In fact, for most moms, we tend to forget all the pain, discomfort and sleepless night each time after giving birth. We go through the whole process over and over again. The funny thing is that I only remember it when I experience it again and not a moment before. It's like God has accorded me with 'temporary amnesia'. Chances are, if I remember every pain and discomfort beforehand, I would probably have only 1 kid.

My eldest was born via C-section after 2 nights of labour and an hour of pushing. She was just stuck and refusing to come out hence I had to be wheeled in for an emergency c-section. Suffice to say, I did an a-z birth process! Right after the surgery, I remember telling my husband that I'm not having anymore children, but, lo and behold, after a year, I forgot about the pain of childbirth  and started whining to hubbs for another baby.

Yups! We mothers do forget . Even those who remembers, if one were to ask them, without hesitation, they will do it all over again in a heart beat because being a mother, without a doubt, is the greatest experience ever.

"It is mentioned in another Hadith that Rasulullah (Sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said: “Does it not please you (O Women!) that when you conceive from your husbands while he is pleased with you then that woman will receive such reward equal to that of a fasting person in the path of Allah and spending the night in ibaadat. When her labour pains commence the inhabitants of the earth and the sky are unaware of the stores of comfort that are prepared for her. When she delivers and breast feeds her child then she will be granted a reward for every gulp of milk, and if she had to remain awake during the night for the sake of her child, she will receive the reward of emancipating seventy slaves in the path of Allah. O Salaamat! Do you know who these women are? They are pious, upright, delicately natured but yet are obedient to their husbands and not ungrateful to them.”

Tiny Pitter Patter of Miracle

“To wake up each morning is a miracle.” ― Lailah Gifty Akit

'God works in mysterious ways'. I find the phrase to be absolutely true. After going through 4 very painful miscarriages, my husband and I thought that perhaps, it's just not meant to be. We accepted His decision without questions.

After 5 years, we then found out that God has granted our dua. Alhamdulillah! We, as His slaves, only need to ask but He decides as to when He will give. More often than not, there's wisdom as to the timing, which we, sometimes can't comprehend.

Looking back, I understand now that God wanted me to complete certain tasks before granting my wish. These tasks are ones which I would not be able to complete with a new born to take care of.

Every birth is a different experience, miracle and drama and this one is no exception. Yes! There's always drama. Now, my world has once again turned topsy turvey. I've become a zombie again due to lack of sleep. I sleep and wake up at odd hours and most of the time, I lose track of what's go on in the outside world. Do I mind? Absolutely not! Given the chance, I would do it again in a blink.

This time round however, I'm able to appreciate the experience more because God has given me more time. No more rat race, no rush, just savour each precious moment. When you make time for Him, He will grant you time. He has also given me the wisdom and patience, two of which I lacked in the past. God has taught me about the true meaning of faith and putting my entire trust in Him. The best of all, God has given me, my tiny pitter patter of miracle.....